


I'm Gonna See Some Friends

by Wrappedbubble



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Character Death, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 13:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20258794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wrappedbubble/pseuds/Wrappedbubble
Summary: 'I've had an email from the guys,' Isak said, head turning to look at Even, eyes following a moment behind as he finished reading the email on his laptop.'What does it say?' Even asked, swatting Isak's feet off the coffee table and shifting him across the sofa with his hip as he settled in beside him.'They want to meet up,' he smiled.  'All of us together for once, here you go.'   Isak passed the laptop over to Even and stretched his arms up, planting his feet firmly back on the coffee table.'Reprobate,' Even muttered with a hint of a smile in his voice.  He scanned the email.  All of them in one place.  'It could get messy huh?' he said.'I'm counting on it,' said Isak, leaning over to open a new window, searching for flights around the appropriate date.  'We are going aren't we?' he asked.'I'm counting on it,' Even repeated, dropping a kiss to the top of Isak's head.





	I'm Gonna See Some Friends

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally written by me for another fandom but I never really enjoyed that fandom and I sat there uncomfortably. I wanted to take it and adapt it for everyone's favourite OTP; Evak.
> 
> For reasons I will never understand I tend to write sadness or whump. This is sadness. Pure sadness. That is often the first emotion that comes out for me when I have fallen entirely down the fan rabbit hole. I don't intend on leaving said rabbit hole any time soon! Please proceed with caution and if you find you are very upset then take time out. 
> 
> This was inspired by the song 'High and Low' which should be appreciated by all. I am considering a companion piece to this already but I have so many WIPs in another fandom that I really need to honour. 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated and I hope that you all enjoy this. This...my first ever SKAMfic.

_I'm gonna see some friends_  
_From outta state_  
_The very trip that you_  
_Were supposed to take a while ago_  
_But it fell through_  
_Like all of you, like all of you_

_It's been months since you were here. Months and months. But it's time that I was up and about again and I'm sorry for that. I promised myself and I promised you that I wasn't going to go anywhere. I wasn't going to leave the flat for anything other than the essentials. You know; food shopping, dentist or doctors appointments, meetings with the bank. That sort of thing. It seemed like the right thing to do to stay here surrounded by what you left behind and immersed in your essence. I sleep now in the middle of the bed with my face pressed down into your pillow because I can still pick up hints of your smell. I've not cleared anything out of here, I've made no attempt whatsoever to pack anything away and I'm not going to. I've done washing up when I've needed to but I've left your teacup where you left it. It's mouldering away a bit but I can't seem to make myself do anything about it and anyway, who's business is it if I leave it? No one else has to look in it do they? At the bottom of the laundry basket is the t-shirt that you threw in there and that's where it's going to stay._

'I've had an email from the guys,' Isak said, head turning to look at Even, eyes following a moment behind as he finished reading the email on his laptop.

'What does it say?' Even asked, swatting Isak's feet off the coffee table and shifting him across the sofa with his hip as he settled in beside him.

'They want to meet up,' he smiled. 'All of us together for once, here you go.' Isak passed the laptop over to Even and stretched his arms up, planting his feet firmly back on the coffee table. 

'Reprobate,' Even muttered with a hint of a smile in his voice. He scanned the email. All of them in one place. 'It could get messy huh?' he said.

'I'm counting on it,' said Isak, leaning over to open a new window, searching for flights around the appropriate date. 'We are going aren't we?' he asked.

'I'm counting on it,' Even repeated, dropping a kiss to the top of Isak's head.

_The guys have been emailing me again. They came of course, to see you when things got really hard, when things became irreversible. They came one at a time, never able to make it in one big go all of us in one room. That seemed worse somehow. The slow trickle of them in and out of the room stretched out over a couple of hot summer weeks. It all melted into one for me. The sound of whispered voices and shuffled footsteps became like a dirge and I hated it. Final goodbyes were said but we couldn't even manage to be in one place for your final trip, your one last goodbye. Too many other commitments. I didn't mind that, honestly I know that it's hard to be there no matter how much you might want to be. I had a couple of short phone calls with them when they couldn't make it, but we never got down to the bedrock, it was all cliches. They often tried to call after that but I didn't trust my voice. It was always either a toss up between whether I would be able to talk at all versus letting it all out and cracking up across the miles that separated us all._

'Seriously?' Even asked, dropping into the chair at the back of his knees. He brought a hand to his mouth and worried at the skin around his nails with his teeth.

'Seriously,' said Isak. 

'So what now?' asked Even around his nibbling of his fingers.

'Try to cut it out I suppose, or fry it out of there with radiotherapy or whatever,' Isak said with a shrug. 

'Shit Isak,' Even muttered looking across at him.

'Yep,' Isak said, not trusting his throat to push more syllables past than that without breaking over their sounds. He looked up at Even, the fright showing through. Even stood slowly, crossing the small distance between them to kneel at Isak's feet.

'Let's kick its butt,' he whispered up at Isak, holding tight to one hand, his other on Isak's face. Isak nodded and Even felt the warmth of a tear splash lightly onto his hand. Wrapping his hand behind Isak's neck he pulled them both up together leaving no space between them.

_I've typed out my answer to them. I'm going to go and see them all. It's going to cost me a small fortune in fuel but I'm going to do it. I thought about taking that t-shirt of yours with me, the one from the bottom of the laundry basket. I had my hand open around it but I just couldn't quite bring myself to move the thing. So it's going to stay here and wait for me to get back. I might pick it up then, you never know. Might still smell of you like your pillow does._

_I'm frightened of going without you._

***

_Thought I'd make the drive_  
_But a free plane ride_  
_Is in the air_  
_Just like that my fear of it disappeared_  
_Like all of you like all of you_

'It's not going well is it?' Isak croaked out.

'Could be better,' Even smiled and shrugged. 'Sorry, I shouldn't be making light of it.' He reached out and pushed some of Isak's hair off his forehead, frowning as he did so. The thought came out of nowhere catching him off guard. The sudden notion 'I'm going to miss that hair' tackled his emotions and brought them down in a way that he had been trying to hide from Isak. Even gulped in an overly load lungful of air, embarrased by the squeak in it before tears overcame him. He wrenched his hand back from Isak's head to cover his face, aware of the futility of the action. It was clear that he was crying.

Even felt Isak's hands reach around him from where he was lying and pull gently but insistently towards him. Without looking up he crawled up and on to the bed to wrap himself around Isak and give in to the way that he was feeling.

'Come on,' Isak whispered to him. 'Just let it out, you'll feel better.'

'I'm meant to make you feel better,' Even said from where he had positioned his face, close up to Isak's neck. 

'Speak up Mister,' Isak said, prodding him then running a hand through Even's hair to pull him in as close as he could manage, the idea of letting him speak up away from his neck given up as soon as he had said it.

_The phone call came almost the second after I sent the email to tell them that I'm coming to see them. I heard all three of them shouting down the line that they were going to pay for me to fly out to be there because then they'd see me faster. I could hear the smiles in their voices. I looked at your teacup then you know, and the weirdest thing happened. I smiled. A real no-fooling non bitter actual smile. I wonder if I'd have felt better sooner if I had spoken to them the first few times that they tried to call me after you were truly gone. I actually want to see them. I want to be there in the sun where they are, I want to allow myself the contact and conversation. I'm going to pack some things, print off the tickets that they're going to email over and actually brave looking at myself in the mirror. I've put it off you know. Overly dramatic I know but I covered them up with sheets and towels, too afraid of what I would see looking back at me._

'These are the best days aren't they?' said Even.

'The cold ones or the ones where I actually feel well enough to get up and about?' Isak asked. Even looked at him, the puffs of warm air from their mouths lingering visible in the air.

'Sorry,' Even said and reached out for Isak's hand, twisting their fingers together and holding on. They walked on silently for a few more steps before Isak spoke again.

'No, I'm sorry,' he said. Even frowned.

'You don't sound it,' said Even, the words out and frozen on the air, proof that they had been spoken and couldn't be returned. Isak wrenched his hand down and out of Even's grasp before he could react or try to keep hold of it. He immediately missed the contact, immediately regretted his careless words. He watched as Isak walked away from him, slowly and each step a little harder than it would have been only a few weeks before. Even said nothing, not trusting his brain to come out with the right thing. He followed Isak slowly back to the hospital room keeping a few steps behind him in case he needed any help.

They walked the whole way back with a couple of metres separating them until Isak stopped in the middle of the room. Even carried on walking until his front touched Isak's back, wrapping him up in his arms and dropping his forehead to Isak's shoulder. They said nothing and Isak turned in Even's arms to be held tightly.

_I'm so sorry that I'm going because I know I said I wouldn't but it feels right just about now. I think that maybe I can go and see them without the fright that I am doing it alone stopping me. I'm just going to indulge myself with the trip that we were supposed to go on and I'm going to selfishly let myself feel wanted and loved. It could be good for me. I hope it will be good for me._

***

_And I look high and low_  
_For yesterday_  
_High and Low_  
_For you and I_  
_High and Low_

Even looked up from the piece of paper that he had been scribbling words on for the last hour. It was taking longer than he thought to get it all out and on the paper. The words were refusing to come out quite the right way. It occurred to him that his thoughts had not been cooperating with him ever since all of this had started. He wrote their address on an envelope along with Isak's name and folded the letter into it, leaving it on the small cluttered table that was quickly becoming their mini kitchen, bookshelf and living room all in one. 

He let his eyes wander around the room before coming to rest on Isak. 

'Ok,' he whispered. 'You've been asleep for about an hour so I'm going to sneak out and get some food.' He walked to the door before patting his pockets, his hand finding a phone in each one. He walked back to the bed and put one of them close to Isak's hand.

'Call me if you wake up and want to know where I am,' he whispered again before leaving the room.

As soon as he heard the door close Isak opened his eyes. He had promised Even that he would sleep but just as he was nodding off he heard Even pick up paper and pen and start writing. Curiosity refused to give up and allow him to drift off so he stayed awake, lying still enough to fool Even. Once he was sure that Even had gone far enough away that he wouldn't be caught he reached out and took the envelope down off the table. With a quick glance at the door Isak took the letter out and opened it. It was full of garbled sentiment and love, the kind that he knew would overwhelm him if he read it in any detail. A few drying tear stains blurred the ink in a couple of places. 

'That's too much,' he whispered to himself as he looked at the marks they had made on the page. He picked up the pen and wrote one last line on the letter and put it back in the envelope, carefully putting it back where he had found it, the pen in the same place and finally let sleep drag him down somewhere more comfortable.

***

_Once I can see straight I might move_  
_Somewhere cold_  
_Seattle or the Bay area_  
_To see your ghost_  
_What's left of you what's left of you_

_They welcomed me off the flight, the three of them barreling into me and holding me close. It's very hot here you know. I'm not sure that I'm going to like this weather as much as I thought I would. Leaving the air conditioning of the airport for the car they'd hired wasn't the most fun I have ever had, I can tell you that! But in all fairness the place they've rented is amazing. It's got a pool and more of that air conditioning so I'm happy enough._

_There are some awkward silences once we get there but we filled them quickly enough with beer and old videos. We haven't spoken about you yet. I think we will at some point. I think I might actually want to. It's going to be good for me._

Isak was allowed home for the first time in what felt like months. It might have been for all he knows except for the fact that it's still cold out, a chill in the air which demands coats and scarves, gloves and hats.

'I'd forgotten about Christmas,' he said as they walk through the main foyer and out into the cold, passing the massive Christmas tree in the middle of it. 'I've not got you anything.'

'I don't think there's anything I need,' said Even. 

'But what about just getting something you want rather than something you need?' Isak asked.

'Hmmm,' said Even thinking about it. The only thing that he both wants and needs is the one thing that he is not going to get and they both know that. They've been told once and for all that this is all only going one way now. He doesn't succumb to the urge to be ridiculous and tell Isak that all he wants is the happy ending, it would only cause upset and sadness. Maybe an argument would be the result of it and he doesn't want that, not when they're finally going home for a while.

'Well?' Isak asked.

'Ok, I know what I want,' Even said. Isak looked at him, a small expectant smile on his face. 'I want three whole days in which we eat nothing but takeaway food straight from the cartons because I can't be bothered to wash up and we have to get through as many films as possible.' He looked at Isak and reached out to sling an arm around his waist. 'And I want dessert after every meal.'

'Including breakfast?' Isak said, looping an arm around Even's waist in return.

'Well since you mention it, yes, I think after breakfast too!'

_We spoke about you today. It was always going to happen of course. The reason it took me so many months to get here was, after all, because we were meant to be here together. I got through it surprisingly well to begin with I think. You'd be proud of me for that bit. It took its toll though and all I could think about was your teacup and your t-shirt in the flat alone and without me to look at them and check that they were still there. I made my excuses and left the room while they stayed and broke the awkward silence with more small talk. _

_I think on reflection going anywhere in the villa would have been a better idea than going outside. It's so stupidly hot here; I hate it. Nothing stays here, the words don't cling to the air frozen in time, proof that they ever existed in the first place. I want to go home and gather up your things and your memories and take them somewhere far away where I can be with them on my own terms. By the time anyone finds me my eyes are swimming with tears, my cheeks are wet and my mind is already back at the flat, mentally packing up the few things that I will need to make myself as happy as I think I can manage to be. I would swipe the tears away but what's the point? Surely they expected this at some point. Instead when they come to get me I tell them how happy I was to have come out to see them but that I need to go back to where home used to be. Then I stumble, with eyes only half seeing my direction back to my room and start to pack. Not our room. My room. _

_They see me back to the airport. They've paid for my flight back as well and I am too cut up right now to argue about it with them. I'll try to wire some money across at some point. I feel pretty rubbish to be honest. I've brought the mood down with me; they're crying too as we hug each other before I go to the departure lounge. I actually cannot wait to get myself on that plane and bed myself down under a flimsy blanket on an uncomfortable seat and just think about you. Entirely about you._

***

_Found a letter from a man I might have met_  
_Addressed to you_  
_And now I'll steal the words_  
_He ended with_  
_I miss you_  
_And I do_  
_Miss you_  
_And I do_

'Should I tidy up a bit?' Even asks, mainly to Isak but knowing that the question will probably go unanswered. He glances across at Isak who spends most of his time asleep these days. Even sighs and frowns. 'No answer huh?' he asks Isak's sleeping form.

Even crosses to the window and looks out for a few minutes. The seasons have turned like they were always going to. 'It's too hot in here,' he mutters and tries to slide the window across to let some air in. When it sticks after opening only about three inches he tries to push it further but gets nowhere. Feeling the rush of annoyance and anger rearing up to tackle him he quickly leaves the room, checking on instinct that Isak is alright before he goes. Even releases the anger with a loud wordless howl in the public toilets before going back to Isak's room. He has no intention of apologising to anyone who might have heard him.

_I washed the teacup. After giving myself two days to wallow completely I washed it. I used those two days to sit and do absolutely nothing but cry on the sofa. I didn't bother going to bed because what was the point? I can fail at sleeping just as well in the living room as I can do in our bed. So then after those two days I washed that cup. It needed it and you'd have preferred it that way if I'm being honest with myself. Once that was done I went to the laundry basket and took your t-shirt out of it and wrapped the cup in it to protect it. That's all in a small box now ready to go with me. You and I; we're moving you know. Somewhere nice and cold and small so that I can start again. _

'Hey,' Even whispers when he comes back to the room. Isak stretches out a hand to him. 

'Where did you go?' Isak asks so quietly that it's hard to hear him.

'Just for some fresh air,' says Even, pointing at the window. 'Couldn't get that to open much I'm afraid.' Even takes up his hand and squeezes it tightly, bringing it to his lips to drop a kiss to Isak's knuckles. 'Is it too hot for you in here too?'

Isak shakes his head and uses the hand that Even is holding to point at the room, taking Even's hand with his own. 'It got breezy, made a bit of a mess.' Even looks around the room and sees stray leaflets from newspaper supplements scattered on the floor.

'Are you too cold?' he asks, getting up and letting go of Isak's hand to stoop and pick up the mess. 'I'll close the window now,' he says just as the edge of an envelope catches at his attention. The letter that he wrote so long ago and had forgotten about. He thinks to himself that it must have been trapped under some random magazine or paper all this time. Picking it up he stuffs it quickly in a backpack before ditching the other rubbish in the bin.

'I thought I'd tidy up earlier anyway,' says Even as he moves around the room jamming their weeks worth of detritus away in bags. When he gets no answer he assumes Isak is asleep again but when he turns to look at him he finds him sobbing silently. The panic seizes him and holds tightly around his throat and chest. Isak isn't the one who cries. Even is. He's the one who lets this get to him and lets it overwhelm him while Isak stays rock solid strong throughout it all. Even drops everything literally and gathers Isak up as best he can in his arms to hold him, rocking him and making nonsense noises into his ear. Through all of this he hears the smallest whisper back.

'I'm scared,' Isak says. 

_My bags are all packed. Your t-shirt and cup are safe and sound in their box. Your memory is preserved in my mind and in the almost gone feel of you in my arms. Time to get to the airport._

Even knows that he will probably never hear Isak talk again. The bottom of the long slippery slope that they stood at the peak of so many months ago is rushing up to meet them at a sickening pace. Even sits and holds his hand and sometimes speaks in whispers of nothing at all. There's nothing left to talk about, not one sided. Conversation is gone. 

_My flight is being called so this it is, I'm away. I'm on my way. We're on our way. I'll check the box with your cup in one more time, my hand will go there automatically anyway even if I don't give it permission. And we both know that by now my passport will be somewhere lurking in the deepest darkest depths of this bag anyway. I might as well have it ready. But that doesn't feel like it, it's too thin._

The doctors and nurses were ready before Even was, appearing without having to be told. He felt hands on his shoulders and heard noises that he guessed were meant to be comforting and soothing

_It's the letter that I wrote to you, not my passport. I must have shoved it in this bag that day, that horrible hot day. I cannot wait to be cold again. I've read the newspaper so many times, might as well read the letter instead. I'm just skimming it really. As it turns out most of it has stayed in my head all this time. It's coming back to me a couple of words ahead of my eyes as I read it. _

'He's gone,' someone says. 'I wish he wasn't,' Even thinks.

'A better place,' someone says. 'No,' Even thinks. 'Just somewhere that I can't reach him.'

'It's time to go,' someone says. 'I don't want to move ever again,' Even thinks.

_The top of the words at the bottom of the page have caught my eye just a fraction of a second before my brain catches up. It's your writing. What's your writing doing there?_

'I miss you,' Even thinks.

"I miss you."


End file.
